Police in Santa Rosa, California, say that a teenage boy learned the hard way the afternoon of March 26 that it is not a good idea to rob a former U.S. Marine at knifepoint, even if that former Marine is 84 years old.

According to Sergeant Steve Bair, that’s exactly what happened around 2:00 PM in the 1600 block of Fourth Street. The elderly man was walking with a grocery bag in each arm when the boy went up to him with a large knife, Bair said.

The boy said, “Old man, give me your wallet or I’ll cut you,” Bair said. The man told the boy that he was an ex-Marine who fought in three wars and had been threatened with knives and bayonets, Bair said.

The man then put his bags on the ground and told the boy that if he came any closer he would be sorry. When the boy stepped closer, the man kicked him in the groin, knocking him to the sidewalk, Bair said. The former Marine picked up his grocery bags and walked home, leaving the boy doubled over in pain, according to Bair.

The man reported the attempted robbery to police 45 minutes later.

Bair said that the teen is described only as 15 or 16 years old. If you are reading this and have information, you are asked to call the Police Department.

It is not necessary for police in Victoria, British Columbia, Canada, to issue a description of the suspects in the case of a business in that city’s downtown section being ripped off. They have pictures of the suspects. As a matter of fact, they have a full color portfolio for evidence.

Three not-so-bright teens ran out of Tony’s Old Time Portrait Studio without paying the CA$84 (about US$82.14) March 22, said owner Tony Bohanan.

Staff had spent more than 40 minutes dressing the young man and two women, in costumes befitting an old Western saloon, complete with pistols and a cowboy hat. Bohanan said that he thought that the trio were “on something” because the man couldn’t stop waving his arms long enough to get the costume on.

They were also giggling, laughing, and whispering throughout the photoshoot, according to Bohanan, who has run the Broughton Street business for 39 years. After they changed back into their regular clothes and viewed their pictures on a computer monitor the three “took off like a bat out of hell,” he said.

Unfortunately, they left behind some unmistakable evidence in the form of the photos that they had posed for.

Bohanan turned over the snapshots to police. Other businesses in the downtown area also put out an electronic advisory asking anyone who sees the photo fools to call the cops.

Two teens in Vermilion, Ohio, who broke into a house there made the one call that no one expected: they unwittingly called the cops on themselves.

Police there say that the 14- and 15-year-old boys entered a home on Hollyview Drive around 11:30 AM on March 20.

The two teens panicked and called police to report the crime afterwards in an attempt to throw police off their trail. But that’s where they slipped up. Police say that during the call, the teens provided a description of themselves to officers.

According to police, muddy footprints inside the home matched one of the boys’ shoes, implicating them in the break-in. Nothing was stolen from the home.

Police say that the boys later confessed to the crime.

The two were arrested and taken to the Erie County Detention Center.

Two women in Dunn, North Carolina, called police there on the morning of March 21 to report a theft. Which would have been fine except for one thing — $40 that they had given a friend to buy them some marijuana was missing.

When the buyer took their money and failed to deliver the weed, the women, identified as 42-year-old Patricia McNeil, of Erwin, and 41-year-old Felicia Floyd Warren, of Dunn, did what any dumb crook would do — file a police report.

Dunn Police Chief B.P. Jones said that his department is looking into the case, as they do with all complaints.

“It may turn out in the end they’ll all be charged,” he added.

“I was looking for a salt lick.”

That’s the excuse that a man hiding in the woods gave police in Westlake, Ohio, early on the morning of March 26.

The man, identified as Ernest Harte, of Cleveland, now faces a laundry list of charges after he was caught stealing copper piping from a home under construction on Waterfall Way in Westlake.

A local resident noticed Harte around 12:30 AM March 26 and called the cops. Officers got there and Captain Guy Turner says that they found Harte hiding in the trees behind the home.

He gave officers a couple of stories about his activity in the area. First, Harte said that he was looking for a salt-lick for deer hunting purposes. Turner points out that deer hunting is illegal in Westlake.

Harte also told officers that he was having a diabetic fit. Paramedics looked him over and he was deemed fine, which poked a hole in that story.

Harte then claimed to know nothing about the Infiniti G20 parked on the street that he was seen getting into and out of. Yet Turner says keys to it “were mysteriously found on his person.” The car was impounded.

Police also found several items in his possession, including a reciprocating saw, a pipe cutter, and a bolt cutter. He’s charged with attempted theft, breaking and entering, obstructing official business and possession of criminal tools.

Ironically, hart was out on bond for burglary and car theft. He is standing trial on those charges March 31.

A man in West Palm Beach, Florida, was called stupid by the Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Office on March 25. But it’s as though the man, identified as 21-year-old Frank Singleton, could write a book on how to morph a misdemeanor into a felony within the confines of the jail’s parking lot.

“This is one of the stupid criminals,” Sheriff’s Office spokesman Paul Miller said.

Singleton got released from the county jail that day after being arrested on a charge of misdemeanor trespassing.

He immediately ran out into the visitors’ parking lot, and in an apparent effort to get away as quickly as possible, attempted to carjack a 2006 Nissan 350Z, Miller said.

Justine Lapierre, the woman who was driving the vehicle, was just getting out of it when Singleton ran at her saying, “I want your car,” Miller said.

He pushed Lapierre out of the way, grabbed the keys and jumped into the Nissan. But, naturally, it was a manual transmission and Singleton couldn’t operate it, according to Miller.

Hearing the commotion, Sheriff’s Office Pastor Leo Krug walked up and, holding his handgun by his side, ordered the barely free Singleton to the ground so that a deputy could slap the cuffs on him.

Needless to say, Singleton was booked on a charge of carjacking.

“I don’t think he wanted to go back to jail,” Miller said. “I think he really wanted to get away and was looking for a car.” When the detective was making the arrest, he asked Singleton why he did this.

“I didn’t feel like walking,” Singleton said.

Police in Windsor, Ontario, Canada, say that they are holding a burglary suspect who they allege called ahead to a convenience store there to demand that the loot be bagged and waiting.

Staff Sergeant Al Brown says that around 2:00 AM March 24, a clerk at a convenience store received a phone call from a man asking how much cash was in the register, the Windsor Star, a newspaper there, reported.

“Somebody called up and said put some money in a bag, sit it next to the store and don’t call the police,” Brown said.

The clerk mostly followed instructions and an unmasked man appeared soon after. Once the unidentified 40-year-old man took the bag from the sidewalk, officers watching from a distance came and arrested him, Brown said.

He says that there have been two similar robberies recently in which the loot was demanded by phone, and the man in custody is suspected in those as well, but, as of this writing, is not charged.